The Art of Surrender
My boyfriend thinks I’m always in the mood for sex — always rearing to go. Recently he suggested, “You should teach women to enjoy sex as much as you do. Couples would be so much happier and you would make a ton of money!” Apparently, he hears from his guy friends that there isn’t much enthusiasm for sex in long-term relationships. I don’t know about teaching women how to enjoy sex more, but I can explain my secret.
The truth is, I rarely think about sex. I’m usually lost in thought wondering what I should write about next, what new workshop or course I can create, or what to do with my kids (they’re home a lot now).
But, I do have a rule — I will never decline my partner’s sexual advances. If he wants to have sex, I’m game. This tenet has led me to have sex at times most would consider a no-go. Like the time, I should have been getting the kids ready for school. Or when I was about to facilitate a workshop and only had 30 minutes to prepare. Or when I was sick in bed with the flu and had a temperature of 102. Btw — I have no idea why my boyfriend would want to have sex with me in this condition, but who knew having sex with cold sweats and a fever could be so erotic? And it really was.
Ironically, removing the choice liberates me.
Since I accept and indulge any request to have sex, I don’t need to go through laborious mental processes. I don’t need to consider if I’m in the mood or not, if we have time for a romp, or if sex really is my top priority at the moment. I surrender. I can enjoy the experience and let myself be ravished. Ironically, removing the choice liberates me. This rule acts as an aphrodisiac and gets me going from 0 to 100 pretty quickly.
If I waited to be in the mood, we'd probably have sex once a month rather than once or twice a day. I don’t want to negotiate sex or add it to my already long lists of tasks to complete. I want to be thrown on the bed and told what to do.
Before we go any further, let me explain. I write this from the perspective of a cis-gender heterosexual woman with a minimal amount of sexual trauma in my life. I have no idea how this dynamic affects those on the gender spectrum or same-sex relationships. But, I know how the dynamic plays out in my life and the lives of friends and colleagues with similar backgrounds. Many of these women feel the same way. There is a reason 50 Shades of Gray was so popular — and it wasn’t for the eloquent writing!
Do we need to politicize and rationalize sex, or can we just enjoy it?
In the “End of Sex,” an article published by Psychology Today, Marianne Brandon Ph.D. and James Simon, M.D. explained that more women were coming to their offices frustrated over their male partners’ lack of initiative when it came to sex. These women wanted strong, take-charge men in the bedroom and felt their partners were too meek. The authors write:
Sexual frequency today is lower than in all prior decades studied — at least people are having less sex with their partners. Roles of sexual dissatisfaction and sexual dysfunction are astoundingly high.
They posit that “Stripping men of their sexual assertiveness ruins many women’s sexual pleasure.”
A friend of mine is a relationship coach. She helps women tap into their feminine energy to attract meaningful and fulfilling relationships. She also believes political correctness is stripping away masculinity in the bedroom. She quoted one of her clients lamenting: “I don’t want him to ask me if he can turn me around on the bed, he should just do it!”
She went on to explain how her clients want “men to be men in the bedroom.” I know this isn’t a popular sentiment right now, but she is talking about this in the context of a safe, trusted partnership. Brandon and Simon seem to agree. They write: “When people work with, rather than against, these [primal] instincts, sex gets better.” So, the question is: Do we need to politicize and rationalize sex, or can we just enjoy it?
Our sexual relationships afford us the opportunity to be wild, authentic, and vulnerable.
Negotiation and collaboration are needed for a successful relationship, that’s for sure. But that doesn’t mean those are the same qualities that contribute to a fantastic sex life. Our sexual desires are still ruled by our primal brain. And for many women, that is the feeling of being dominated and feeling that it is safe to surrender. Financial freedom and birth control pills will not eliminate thousands of years of hard-wiring that has kept our species alive and evolving. So, rather than try to overwrite our programming, why not leverage it?
Imagine yourself as a sex kitten or an exotic concubine.
Our sexual relationships allow us to play, let go of our public personas, and connect with our more primal desires. What other situations provide us with the opportunity to be wild, authentic, and vulnerable? When considered that way — I’m not sure why we leave the bedroom at all.
So consider: What really turns you on? Not what you think should turn you on, but what actually makes you bite your lip and roll your eyes backward. It’s okay if it doesn’t fit with your daytime character — that’s the whole point. And ladies, if you want a take-charge man in the bedroom, allow him to take charge.
If you’re looking to add some erotic playfulness back into your sex life, try taking the choice out of it. Agree to have sex whenever your partner wants. Maybe you even imagine yourself as a sex kitten or an exotic concubine. Indulge in fantasy. Practice the art of surrender.
Of course, surrender only works when there is trust — and boundaries. I trust my partner will take care of me. I wouldn’t have sex with him if I was in physical pain or if he had been hurtful or mean to me in any way. That has never happened, but if it did — I would be closed for business.
After sex, my partner engulfs me tightly in his arms. I am safe and protected. He is strong and in control. Our primal needs are met. We feel natural and in sync with one another. I let my lover take the lead in the bedroom and I surrender. Or as Anaïs Nin fervently writes:
“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
Join me in my free private FB group, Goddess Wisdom for Modern Women, to continue the discussion.